*******************************
Author: Amber Leigh Parry
Title: Above the Lighthouse (Under the Lighthouse II)
Rating: PG
Classification: Mulder/Scully Romance
Summary:  bite me.  be surprised!
Spoilers: none--but you should probably read "under the
lighthouse" before reading this....otherwise it probably
isn't going to have the full effect on ya.

Enjoy!

*********************************

Fall 2005
A lighthouse on the coast of Massachusetts
3:45 pm



My flip-flop sandals make a consistent noise as I walk
across my living room.

It seems like my flip-flop sandals are the only constant in
my life lately.

I planned on living with Anne-Marie in this lighthouse,
solitary and happy, for the rest of my life.  Alone with my
art, and my gallery, and my new persona.

And then Mulder had to come back and ruin it all.

I sigh at this point because I realize just how ridiculous
it is to say Mulder came back and *ruined* my life.  It's
just stupid; I am chiding myself, sighing.  You, Dana, are
the one making this out to be a catastrophe.  *You* are the
one racking your brain attempting to find every reason to be
unhappy.

Is Mulder returning to me a good occurrence?

Or am I destined to a life of unhappiness?

And is this unhappiness by fate, or by choice?

Is Mulder really for me?

Or is he just another cruel joke on the way to peace?

I run my fingers through my hair, take a deep breath, and
wipe the tears from my face.  There has to be a way, there
has to be a way, there has to be a way..

As I lay down on the couch and listen to the waves crash
against the shore, a passage from a long ago read book comes
back to me, and whispers to me faintly:

"What matters, father?  What's true?  Or what people think?"

This doesn't pertain directly to my situation, I realize
this.  But...in a way, it does.  I remember this quotation
every time I find myself confused and hurting.  Especially
since my father died.  I used to go to him for advice.

This is one of the times when I need him most.






Fall 2005
Arlington, VA
Fox Mulder's Apartment



I don't think I have ever been this nervous in my entire
life.

Not nervous, I tell myself.  Anxious is more like it.  And
scared.  Frightened.

Terrified.

Am I making my decision today?  Is he expecting me to?  Am I
expecting me to?

What am I doing here?

<You love him>.

My mind is making fun of me again.

Scratch that.  My mind is making me crazy again.

I have not slept in three days.  I can't concentrate on
anything.  My mind is blank at times, a frenzy of excitement
and nervousness at others.  I am at a loss on what to do.  I
love him.  I love him.  God, do I love him.  But is the time
right?  Are we compatible?  Can it work between us?  Is
there something out there that can make this work when it
couldn't before?

But how would I know that it wouldn't work before when
nothing happened before?

My mind confuses me.

"Scully?"

My heart stops beating.

Mulder has emerged from the shower-lucky me, I arrive in the
morning when he is showering.  I find a note on the front
door telling me to enter at my own risk-and now I am sitting
here on a black leather futon looking at the fucking love of
my goddamn life wet and naked from the waist up.  His
complete attire consists of a white terrycloth bath towel.
It is tied loosely around his waist and quite frankly I am
not sure if I can answer his greeting when he is dressed
like this in front of me.  My mouth opens; nothing comes
out.  I am embarrassed and flustered; half of me is hoping
that he notices and changes into something decent and the
other half of me is hoping he drops the towel and lets me
see all he's got and fuck with the curiosity already.  Let
him give me more to be speechless about.  At this point it
isn't really going to matter much anyway.

He is either ignorant or just trying to be nice when he
begins to speak again:

"Let me go get into something decent and I'll make you some
coffee.  You look exhausted, Scully.  Have you been getting
enough sleep?"

The old Scully would have been offended that he thought she
looked like Hell.  This Scully, the new and not-so-improved
Scully, didn't really give a damn and was more than relieved
when he turned and didn't mention the fact that she was
reduced to a spineless pool of jelly upon his entering the
room half-naked.

As I sit on this black leather futon plotting my next move
(which sadly enough involves producing a proper sentence in
front of this man), Mulder re-enters the room.  A little
more quickly than I had previously estimated, I am caught
off-guard and am only able to utter a pathetic "hi" as he
smiles at me.

"I'm getting you coffee, Scully, don't worry.  Soon enough
you'll be able to think straight again."

I want to laugh out loud but find I don't have the
capability for this either.

Forty minutes later, Mulder and I are sitting rather
uncomfortably on this black leather futon: me on one end, he
on the other.  The coffee, like he promised, is waking me up
considerably; however I am becoming more and more frightened
of the conversation I know is looming before us.  As the
moment of Truth draws near, I brace myself, I pray, and I
hope that he isn't going to mention it.

My watch stops.

"Scully, I think we both know why we're here."

Shit.

I know I can't plead ignorance.  I know why we're here and
my face shows it.  It's do or die time, I tell myself.  Make
a decision and stick with it.  You can't take the high road
with this one, Dana.  Listen to your heart.

"Mulder..." I begin.  Seconds tick away as if attached to a
time bomb.  "I..." What are you going to say, Dana?  What's
it going to be?  What's your future, Dana Scully?  Is there
a Truth?  Or are there just lies?  What is your life?

"I don't know what I want, Mulder."

There.  It's been said.  I silently congratulate myself on
pumping out an entire sentence today.  It's my first and for
a moment, at least, I am proud of it.  When I look up at
Mulder and glance into those deep hazel eyes, however, my
pride turns to horror.

The pain that I see when I look into Mulder's eyes is
incomparable to any other I have ever seen.  My heart breaks
when I imagine what he is going through and I have a secret
wish to throw myself into a river.  Into the ocean; the
ocean right outside the lighthouse.  Yes, that's what I
want.  My secret wish. My hope for myself.  I deserve to be
punished; what better way than with death. I have hurt this
man, I tell myself as I continue to stare silently into his
eyes.  I have just made him feel more pain than he has ever
felt in his entire life.  I do not deserve to live.

Let the waves take me instead of his heart.

Without so much as another word, I find myself standing.  I
pick up my purse, say a silent prayer for my family, for
Mulder, and for myself-then I walk out of Mulder's apartment
and begin the journey back to Massachusetts.






Fall 2005
The Beach outside the Lighthouse
7:35 pm



The sun is setting on the horizon as I make final
preparations for my journey.

I am wearing my long white dress; my sandals are no longer
on.  Instead they are tied to my back; a long string of yarn
tied with things which will go down with me.  Among them, my
faith and my pride.  My humility and my shame.  My life and
my love.  Nothing will be left.  Except the hurt.  Except
the pain.

I am crying; this has been pretty constant since leaving
Mulder's apartment.

I am not sure why I cannot share myself with him; thinking
about this has brought me next to nowhere.  Sure, it could
be my fear of being hurt; it could be my fear of hurting
*him*; hell, it could be a long past buried memory of my cat
dying and feeling so helpless that I swore from close
emotional attachments.  Either way, it doesn't matter now.
There is nothing that is going to be able to fix this.

Except walking to a watery peace.

I take a deep breath; my last, presumably.  I am now loading
up the boat; ankle-deep in water, my tears flow freely for
the life that never was; for the love never fully realized;
and for the pain I was going to be causing one Fox  Mulder
of Alexandria, Virginia.  Convincing myself one last time
that the pain of my suicide would be better still than the
pain he will endure if I give him my heart, I take one step
into the boat and prepare to launch into the sunset.

"If you die, you take me with you."

Silence.

My heart has stopped.  I am three seconds away from killing
myself and there is a distinctly familiar voice behind me
telling me that he is going to take his life if I take mine.

This is not the plan.  This is not the plan.  This is not
the plan.  It isn't.

"What do you want?" I yell through my tears, still not
turning around.

"I want to save you from making the largest mistake of your
life, Dana Scully."

Since when does he know what the biggest mistake of my life
is?  I resist him.

"Listen, Scully," he yells over the wind.  "I know you're
frightened. I know you're afraid to open your heart to me.
And I know you don't know why.  But Scully...I don't care if
you're scared. I'm willing to be with you and help you
through this.  Scully..." his words, fuzzy until now, are
coming through loud and clear.  "I love you."

At this point, another passage seems to come to mind:

"The world wavered and quivered and threatened to burst into
flames."

This is exactly, verbatim, how I feel when Mulder tells me
that he loves me.

I am stunned.  No, more than that.  I don't know what to
do.  But whatever has happened to my inner psyche, Mulder
has succeeded.  My walls have broken down. My armor is off,
my reasons are dead; my mind, my soul, my body, and my heart
have all surrendered.

I collapse in the water, my dress flowing in the ocean, my
body drenched.  I collapse in the waves, my head buried in
my hands, my walls crumbling around me, and my tears flowing
like a large river emptying into the ocean.  I capitulate
into the sea, throwing my resolve and my desire to end my
life in with it.  I am done.

The next thing I feel are two warm, confident arms around
me.  They are strong; they are picking me up.  I am in
Mulder's arms and he is carrying me up the sand and into the
lighthouse.  I hear the gasp of Anne-Marie, and the nodding
of Mulder's head as he gently carries me up the stairs and
into my bedroom. He lays me down on the bed, yes; however he
is still there with me, holding me in his arms, whispering
"I love you" in my ear, and convincing me that everything
was going to be all right.

I fall asleep in his arms.




Fall 2005
Inside the Lighthouse
3:33 am


I am awake now.  Things seem peaceful.  Worries are gone; I
am warm and suddenly realize that I am still in Mulder's
arms.  He is sleeping beside me and I am holding him just as
he is holding me.

Mulder.  My savior.  My love.  And once again, the only one
who can make me open my eyes and see the Truth.  The only
one who can make me see the light.

I have an idea.

"Mulder," I shake him lightly.  He groans, squeezing me
tighter.  "Mulder, wake up.  I need to take you somewhere."

He opens one eye.  "Scully."

I smile slightly.  "That's me.  Mulder, I have something I
want to show you."

He raises one eyebrow.

"Mulder!  Not that.  Come on.  Please?"

Mulder sits up, releasing me from his arms.  I feel empty,
all of a sudden, but I don't let on.  What I am going to
show him is more important at the moment.

"Scully..." Mulder stares at his watch.  "Where are you
taking me *now*?"

I smile again and take his hand.  "You'll see."

He lets me lead him without further struggle.  I walk across
the room and climb a small ladder in the corner.  On the
ceiling, there is a door, which I open. Another ladder
follows.  I climb the ladder, Mulder behind me.  When I
reach the top, there is another door-this one in front of
us.  I open it slightly and crawl through it onto a small
balcony.  I glance behind me and see that Mulder is groggily
following suit.

When he has emerged from the door, I lead him to a standing
position.

"Look in front of you.  Look all around you.  Tell me what
you think."

In front of us is the ocean.  As far as you can see; ocean.
The sight is breathtaking.  I often journey up here when I
need to be alone; when I need to paint; when I need to write
poetry.  I often come here when I need to remember why I
continue living.  I tell him so.

Mulder nods.  "This is beautiful, Scully.  It's...it's one
of the most beautiful things I think I've ever seen."  He
takes my hand and squeezes it.  This simple gesture somehow
gives me strength to say something I have wanted to say to
him for years.

"You know..." I begin.  I squeeze his hand back, and he
turns to meet my eyes.  "I often sat up here and looked out
at the ocean, and there was one thing I always thought about
happening up here."

He stared into my eyes, searching my soul for anything he
could find.

I took a deep breath and opened my heart.

"I always thought about you asking me to marry you up here."

I am sure that this isn't what he was expecting.  I'm sure
his wildest dreams stopped a little after "kiss".  I stand
here, holding his hand, staring into his shocked eyes,
hoping he either says something or topples over the edge
from surprise.  A reaction.  Any reaction.

"Scully, I..."

I stop him.  "You know what, Mulder, you don't even have to
say it.  I know that after the stunt I pulled this morning,
you're not going to want to jump into a lifelong commitment
with me.  I'm not even sure if I'm ready for that yet."  I
see a look of apprehension on his face and stop short.
"What?"

The look in his eyes tells me everything that I need to
know.

Leaning toward him, our lips meet for one long, soft kiss.
I can't help it; I find myself crying as our love transcends
our hurt.  We break from our kiss; I dissolve into Mulder's
arms and we sink to the floor of the balcony.  I want to
hold him until dawn.

I look up to see the first inklings of a beautiful New
England sunrise peeking over the peaceful horizon and
smile.  I settle into Mulder's arms and let the wind carry
us away like the sound of the waves crashing against the
shore.

And the light continues to show me the way home.

That is all.
Amber Parry
5.3.99.  11:04 pm
bite me.

Dedicated to Kip Kirwan, who always shows me the way home..

Notes from the Author:

Quotes taken from:

The Secret of Sarah Revere (Anne Rinaldi)
  AND
Mrs. Dalloway (Virginia Woolf)
     Respectively.