AFML Top Ten Lists

You know us creative AFML members! We can't get enough of Diana-bashing. Here is our compilation of Top Ten lists having to do with Fowley AKA DBD (Diabolical Diana). Well, most of them. Read and be merry!

If you really like Top Ten Lists, try the X-Files Top Ten Lists Home Page, or Cancer Fan's X-Phile Top Ten Humor Page.

We've been amusing ourselves with various aspects of Diabolical Diana's vile character so much that we're devoting an entire page to Her Royal Evilness, and the rest of the Top Ten lists have been put on another page: Mulder and Scully, Other Characters, The X-Files in general, and Other Topics (all having to do with The X-Files, rest assured).

Top 10 activities in which DBD would be really useful
(by Fabricia)
10. *FBI*: The agents needed to practise on a living target. How come they can protect people without them?
9. *Museum of History*: The Museum Guides need to show the visitors how ALL those torture machines worked- and their results. (HeHe)
8. *Science*: As a lab Rat. Genetics can do wonders to her face!! (Sorta Post-Modern Diana maybe?)
7. *Car*: As one of those dolls that are crashed with the car directly to a wall to test if cars are safe enough for people- Something may go wrong.... (HeHeHe)
6. *People's needs*: Isn't it wonderful to curse anyone when you really need it? Well, here's someone who deserves to be called all those wonderful words!!
5. *Sports*: No more that useless Punch-ball hitting when boxing. Here's something that really gives you practice in hitting: Take DBD as YOUR punch-ball!!
4. *The Conspirancy*: CSM needs to test his black oil? Well, figure out WHO would be ideal for THAT kinda test... (HeHeHe)
3. *Mulder and Scully*: Those kids come really tired from work everyday. Don't you think they'd need a maid to serve them?
2. *Mrs. Potatoe Head*: Wouldn't it be wonderful to take her arms off, nose out, and all those things you do with MR. Potato head?
1. *Actress*: If they ever remake "The Bride of Frankestein", guess who'd be the LOVELY bride!!! Need's no make-up!

Top ten movies/TV programs we'd like to see Diana Fucking Fowley Bitch in.
(by Bee Slayer)
10. Lost in Space. (That's what we'd like her to do. Oh wait a minute, it's been done.)
9. Deep Impact. (hey, Tea Leoni's character died, why shouldn't she? The asteroid could hit her directly.)
8. Independance Day. (there's even a slight resemblance to the aliens. Especially when she took her shirt off. Shudder)
7. Anything where no-one ever EVER gets naked.
6. Silence of the lambs. As one of his victims.
5. Friends. Remember ugly naked guy's ugly naked girlfriend?
4. Titanic. (It sank. She could be on it. Or maybe tied to the mast where we could all see her and laugh. Or impaled on it.)
3. Alien. (let's all smile at the image that brings up.)
2. The Wizard of Oz (as the wicked witch of the west, of course. *I'm melting...*)
1. Scream. Enough said.

Top Ten reasons why DBD took her top off in “Biogenesis”
(by razz)
10. She wanted to show off for the videotaped surveillance in Mulder’s apartment.
9. She’s tried and tried to make Mulder go off the deep end, but nothing else worked before.
8. She read in a book somewhere ( Whoring for Dummies ) that this type of action may help rekindle a dead romance. Evidently it didn’t work.
7. CSM was also hiding out in the room but the camera didn’t show that. (He has the amazing ability to be in two places at once, hence the next scene with the meeting).
6. She was in Europe for so long that she thought it was customary, and she was getting ready to go to the beach.
5. She was hoping that Scully would come back and find her in such a pose with “her man”.
4. She really has the hots for Mr. X. She doesn’t believe he’s really dead, and thought the “X” in the window was a really tacky signal (she learned about both Mr. X and the signal from Mulder). Her new “signal” is more like a siren.
3. She’s trying to become like one of the featured “stars” in Mulder’s magazines, in order to win him back.
2. Her shirt was too itchy. (LOL! I needed a nice one in for a change)
1. She feels much more comfortable being loose. ;)

Top 16 Reasons Why Diana Took off her Top in "Biogenesis"
(by Heather)
16. She thought that all these years we've been saying, "Sluts are sexy".
15. She had a thing for Mulder's desk-drawer buddy, Danny.
14. A bee had stung her, and as her last dying wish, she pulled off her shirt as she plummeted to the floor so she could die without losing her reputation.
13. She found Scully's spare clothes, and decided to put them on and pretend she was Scully so that she would have another shot at Mulder.
12. She wanted to show Mulder how much nicer her bra was than Scully's.
11. She wanted Mulder to check her back for fatal bites.
10. Someone put itching powder in her shirt and she broke out in hives.
9. She wanted to try on Mulder's New York Knicks T-Shirt.
8. She was wearing a really ugly shirt.
7. She thought that if she took off her shirt enough times, Mulder would eventually say, "Keep going, FBI woman." Well, either that or, "Put your friggin shirt back on, you vapid whore!"
6. Someone had put her in the basement incenerator and she was hot. Who would do a thing like that?
5. The Syndicate came up with a sure-fire plan to make Mulder insane, and that was it.
4. She was posing for the survellance cameras.
3. She wanted to stand in front of the window so that once X had brought back to life, he could shoot her.
2. She wanted to stand in front of the window and try to revive X.
1. She wanted to run next door and seduce Phillip Padgett for his next novel.

Top 10 ways you know you hate TFO
10. You can no longer write or say her name and refer to her simply as 'TFO'
9. If your 'puter plays up it 'Goes Fowley' on you
8. You see an egg-beater or can opener in your kitchen and instantly your mind is turning it into Scully's weapon of choice in your next Fowl-Fic.
7. You have 3 hour phone conversations with your best XF friend and most of the time is spent either making fun of TFO's appearence or creating a new and interesting way for her to die.
6. You have a pic of her on your bedroom door with the words "Official Diana Hater" along the bottom of it and you ping rubberbands at it whenever you are bored.....or whenever you feel the urge *g*
5. You spend chat room sessions chanting "Die Fowley Die"
4. Whenever you meet someone named Diana you have to resist the urge to glare at them.....not a great first impression!!!!
3. Your IM away message reads "I'm away killing Fowley at the moment......BRB"
2. Your ICQ away message reads "I'm away devising a new death for TFO right now....BBL"
And the Number One way you know you hate TFO.....
1. You watched Lost In Space and chanted "Bitch, cow, slut" everytime Mimi Rogers appeared on the screen.

Top Ten Ways to know your hatred of Fowley is starting to take over your life...
(by Carrie)
10. You are no longer driven by a need to find the truth, you just want to protect the truth from Fowley.
9. When reading trashy magazines in the break room at work you find yourself remarking to your colleagues on what good sense Tom Cruise has "After all, don't you think that Mimi Rogers has a rather unsettling stare?".
8. When watching 'Lost in Space' you get so incensed every time Mimi Rogers comes on screen you throw the sofa cushions at the screen (and in the business of retrieving the sofa cushions so as to rethrow them, you miss half the film).
7. You die your dark brown hair red (ish) in a show of support for Scully.
6. Every time Mulder comes on screen you find yourself saying over and over again in a soothing voice "Scully, good. Diana...baaaaad" in order to try and hypnotise him.
5. Every time Fowley comes on screen you find yourself, quite unselfconsciously, hissing a mantra of 'bitch, bitch, die bitch, bitch, bitch, die bitch'
4. When people try and disturb you during your chanting by saying inane things like "It's only a TV show" and "She's not real" you throw sofa cushions at them too.
3. While on a long train journey you find yourself, instead of reading 'Media in Australia', considering how exactly you would like Fowley to die (I think at Mulder's hands in front of Scully after he finds out what a poisonous snake she is, is the general fave way, and if the truth was revealed shortly afterwards we'd all be pretty much blissed out)
2. You begin searching the web for others with a similar mentality.
1. You start subscribing to the AFML (major sign you need help).

Top Ten Middle Names of Diana Fowley
(The key to this list is to pronounce Diana--"die in a")
(by J.R.)
10. Diana "trainwreck" Fowley
9. Diana "massive explosion" Fowley
8. Diana "bigsplat" Fowley
7. Diana "pool of blood" Fowley
6. Diana "tragic ufo accident" Fowley
5. Diana "lonely room while Mulder and Scully have dinner" Fowley
4. Diana "block of ice under a spaceship in the arctic with no rescue" Fowley
3. Diana "bathtub drowning in green goo" Fowley
2. Diana "FBI crossfire (was that Scully's weapon?) incident" Fowley
1. Diana "lonely room tied up, and covered with genetically mutated killer fire ants" Fowley

Top Ten Summer Jobs for DBD
(by Erika)
10. Telephone operater (cause they're always so bitchy). Apologies if any of you are telephone operators!
9. Punching bag for Karate Students (I take Karate & it really helps to visualize DBD as a target whilst practising kicks & punches!).
8. Stunt woman (fot the *really dangerous* stunts)
7. Professional Chickadee (Escort Service - "The Chickadee - sultry FBI agent will handcuff you & hold a gun to your head")
6. Gas Station Attendant (can you just see it? LOL.. "regular or premium?")
5. Model for "before" pictures in make-over ads.
4. Poster girl for eyelid-removal surgery (does anyone else think she looks like she has no eyelids?)
3. Rapper! Lol, again, it was just too funny to pass up.
2. Stand in for those targets the FBI uses in shooting practice
1. and the number one summer job for DBD is..... she won't get any summer jobs, because she'll die horribly long before then!!!!

Top Ten annoying personal habits of DBD
(these may only surface when she’s alone)
(by razz)
10. Let’s face it. When no one’s looking, she really does pick her nose. Hey, it saves her money on kleenexes.
9. She goes on really expensive trips and charges it to the X-Files division, and is sneaky enough not to get caught.
8. She leaves hate mail on Kersh’s desk, using DS’s stationary and writing utensils.
7. Every morning, as part of her “beauty” routine, she holds her eyes open for 5 minutes to get that wide-open stare down pat.
6. When she is alone in an elevator, she jumps up and down, sacrifices a live cockroach, and prays to her gods that she will arrive on the proper floor, uncooked and still totally alive.
5. When kissing someone (which happens rarely, not to worry), she keeps her eyes open and obsessively picks lint off that person’s shoulders. (This may be one of the reasons why she and Mulder are no longer Chickadee and... partner).
4. She leaves the toilet seat up in the washroom at the FBI building for other women to sit down in, prior to noticing the missing equipment.
3. When she is travelling in an airplane to their next location, she must always wear the same unwashed socks, no matter how long the flight. As soon as the plane has taken off, she removes her shoes. Need I mention the lack of ventilation in these cramped quarters?
2. Immediately upon finishing a meal, no matter the location, she must floss her teeth right at the table. If there are excess remnants of the dinner on the string, she enjoys flinging these delightful surprises onto other unsuspecting diners.
1. When in an especially nervous mood, she starts picking the noses of people around her. (This often happens when she is about to go into a meeting).

Top Ten Places for Spender and Fowley to Go on a Date
(by Erika)
10. McDonalds, during an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease... (Mad Cow Disease!! Another nickname for Fowley?)
9. The Titanic
8. Skyland Mountain (as per Scully's recommendation)
7. Dinner at dad's (CSM's) - just sit reeeeeal close to the window, guys.
6. A tour of the Chaco Chicken processing plant
5. Antarctica
4. The sewers of Newark
3. An abandoned boxcar in the New Mexico desert
2. A nice walk through the forests of Florida
1. The Morgue (They could share a freezer! How romantic!)

Top Ten Ex-Husbands of DBD
(by razz)
10. Bill Gates (she was, after all, invented by him)
9. Prince Charles (shhh! - Camilla’s not supposed to know! BTW, she wasn’t as popular with the kids as Ginger Spice is)
8. Jean Chretien (not many believed that one)
7. Bill Clinton (too many believed that one)
6. O.J. Simpson (she did it all for him, but he didn’t appreciate her enough so she took off to Europe)
5. The inventor of the polygraph/lie-detector test. This is also why they are no longer married.
4. Michael Jackson (but then DBD became too jealous that he could maintain a whiter complexion than she could)
3. Hugh Hefner (this is really how she and Mulder met - notice how she’s only been with the FBI since ’91?)
2. The shape-shifting alien (ah! The bride of the shape-shifting alien is back!)
1. Cancer man (but wait - how can he be her father, too?)

Top Ten Places DBD Would Like to take Mulder on a Date
(by razz)
10. Psychiatric Hospital.
9. FBI firing range (she needs a lot of practice)
8. Hey, she’s not choosy - how about the back seat of the car?!
7. Neighbourhood health food store (for sunflower seeds, of course!)
6. A really high-class restaurant - and charge it to Scully.
5. To see a movie (So I Married an Ax Murderer).
4. A romantic candlelight dinner (And when she asks Scully for a recommended spot, Scully innocently suggests Skyland Mountain)
3. Mulder’s office (I’m sure it’s a place that’s familiar to both of them...)
2. A pleasure cruise at night,... through eel infested waters (anyone seen The Princess Bride?)
And the #1 place DBD would like to take Mulder on a date is,...
1. Hunting in the forest (something right up her alley)

Top Ten Cheap Pick-Up Lines of DBD
(collected by Adrienne)
10. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
9. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
8. Have you ever been to my place? I have HBO...(Mulder and porn..)
7. Can I have a quarter, so I can call you later?
6. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. You must be eating your Milk bones because your teeth are so clean and white.
4. There is one way to prove to your friends that looks and money are not everything. You could go out with me.
3. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners. (I could see that!)
2. Are you into sucking toes? Because I have 11 of them.
1. I am a geek by day, but a love machine at night. (ya right!)

The Top Ten Reasons Scully Could Discreetly Get Rid of DBD Without Drawing Suspicion Upon Herself
(by Invisigoth421)
10. Puts DBD in a room with an alien - Shoots the Alien
9. Chloraly hydrate in the pizza
8. "Hey, Diana, I hear Skyland Mountain is LOVELY this time of year!"
7. Plants an infected bee under her collar
6. "Diana Fowley - meet Donnie Pfaster!"
5. Convinces Mulder she's a vampire
4. "His name's Ed Jerse... no, trust me, you're perfect for each other."
3. After receiving an anonymous tip that someone is going to assasinate her at her apartment, Scully invites Fowley over to house-sit and skips town.
2. "Virgil Incanto? Yeah, he's a great kisser!"
1. And the number one way Scully could discreetly get rid of DBD is....
Aw, what the hell.. just shoot the bitch!!!!

Top Ten Reasons Why Scully Should Beat the Crap Out of Diana Fowley
(by razz)
10. DBD will unnecessarily take screen time away from our favourite red-headed heroine.
9. Maybe then she’ll stop calling him “Fox”!
8. Because Mulder can’t be bothered to do it himself.
7. It’ll save the gunman (CSM?) the embarrassment of failing in a mission that would affect every man, woman and child in this planet.
6. She fell asleep while protecting a Very Important Person (the cutie Gibson), for pete’s sake!
5. Scully will thus *really* help her in the important business she had to return to.
4. She was Mulder’s former Chickadee.
3. It’ll save us the trouble.
2. She did not put the “chic” in chickadee.
And the number one reason why Scully should kick the crap out of DBD:
1. Simply because she’s Diana Fowley!

Top ten conditions under which Scully should beat the crap out of Diana
(by Adrienne)
10. Diana is a shape shifting alien (like we know she is)
9. Diana doesn’t die
8. She finds out Diana and Mulder were married
7. Diana calls Mulder “Fox”
6. Diana touches Mulder in any way, shape, or form
5. Diana looks in her general direction
4. Diana speaks in her general direction
3. Diana gets to drive
2. Diana pulls a single white female and dyes her hair red, starts wearing a cross, starts doing autopsies, and starts to wear three inch pumps
1. PMS!!!

Top Ten items with which Scully can beat the crap out of Diana
(by Adrienne)
10. Her Glock
9. One of Mulder’s porn videos
8. A brick
7. A cattle prod
6. Mulder’s cell phone (“Call ...him ...again …and …DIE BITCH!”)
5. Her bare fists
4. An icepick
3. An Erlenmeyer flask
2. Autopsy scapel
1. One of those high-heeled shoes

Top Ten Ways To Kill Diana Fowley
(by Erin)
10. Give Diana Fowley to Robert Patrick Modell. 'Nough said. Let him do that mind control thing that he did on Mulder to her.
9. Put her on a bridge with a bunch of abductees, and set fire on Diana only. Don't put out the flames.
If that doesn't work...
8. Send her to England. Let her meet Phoebe Green. She'll do the rest.
7. Give her to Tooms. Let him eat her liver. Of course, he'll probably throw up.
6. Give her to those military men in any episode. They'll know what to do to her.
5. Alternate Universe: Duane Barry abducts Diana Fowley, but she's never returned. Good riddance!
4. She dies of a nasal pharangeal cancer (like Scully had). No cure is found!
3. She gets stung by an alien virus carrying bee. No vaccine is used. She dies as she pops out an alien.
2. While Diana's in a coma, Scully accidently trips over Fowley's life support system. Ooppss. "Diana's dead, Mulder." Mulder, however, doesn't care. "I hated her anyway!"
1. Alternate Universe: Diana was killed by that shooter in "The End."

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