AFML Top Ten Lists

Good day, eh, and welcome to the rest of our Top Ten lists, not specifically having to do with the Queen of Slime, Filth and Non-Recyclable Refuse.
You can read about
Mulder and Scully, Other Characters, The X-Files in general, and Other Topics that have found themselves to be connected to the X-Files in some weird and wonderful way.
And if you can't get enough of the putrid Fowl One, you can always go back to
her lists and amuse yourself again. Or make up your own lists and send them to us. :)
Happy reading!

Mulder 'n' Scully lists
Top Ten things I would like to do if I were to meet either DD or GA
(by razz)
10. Give them an autographed picture of myself. (They must get tired of autographing pictures of themselves for other people.)
9. Ask them to take a picture of me. ("I would be soooo honoured if you could take a picture of me." "With me/us in it?" "No, there are enough pictures of you all over the internet, but there aren't enough of me.")
8. Ask them if they'd take me out to dinner. ("You know, I've never met Tea/Piper, and I would love to get to know them a little bit. I'm a poor student, though, so I'm a little strapped for cash, but I know you wouldn't mind picking up the tab.")
7. Ask them who the stupidest fan they ever met was and what they did. (And if they mention my name, I'll tell them that I know some of the writers personally, and they'd better be wary of some future script plans. If they question that, I'll grab them and put them into a headlock, while tickling them.)
6. Ask them if they would mind entering a DD/GA look-alike contest, on the pretense of conducting an experiment to see their world-wide recognizability. I would neglect to mention that the contest involves some members of the older population who have no idea what the show is, and they are a little hard of hearing and seeing. ("Hey, sonny, you look just like Errol Flynn! What did you say your name was? David Toofluffy? Sheesh, I wonder what part of the Old Country his parents came from!")
5. Give them each a pet python. ("Hey, guys! I'm so glad to have caught you. I was going to leave these by your trailers with a little note, but it's much better that you're here, so that I can tell you a bit more about their feeding habits. Why a python, you ask? They're such lovable creatures, and they're great with kids. I've heard they're an actor's best friend. No, that's true, I really don't know much about them, but I don't own them anymore, do I?")
4. Give them XF baseball/trading cards with my family and friends pasted on them, overtop of the XF characters. ("Here are my family and friends' business cards. I thought we were a very unique family, but it's eerie how TXF is so much like us!")
3. Treat them like they're really Scully and Mulder. ("Hey, Gillian, I've got some weird virus that I've never seen before. I was wondering if you could do a complete examination of me and diagnose it, tell me its origin, give me a brief description of the epidemiology, and give me any other information that you feel is pertinent in my case. But be brief, I have an appointment with a specialist in about 5 minutes. He's had a bit more education than you, but you're always so knowledgeable that I trust your judgement infinitely more than his.")
2. Ask them if they could get me a date with the young guy wearing the brown pants who was on the Dallas rooftop at the beginning of FTF, who told the FBI people that they had to search the whole building again. ("I'd soooo appreciate that. He's so cute! I'd be eternally grateful.")
1. Pretend to trip and fall while coming up to them. Stay down for a minute, as if having a concussion. Start to get up and fake amnesia. Go off on a monologue: "What just happened? My head hurts. Ow. Wow - you two look so familiar. I recognize you from somewhere. From home? Oh, that's it! Mom! Dad! [Give them a collective hug and start crying] I don't know what happened, but I've got this ouchy in my head. Will you kiss it and make it better?" If CC happens to comes by, pretend he's a close uncle. "Hey, Uncle Bob, I feel even weirder than I did getting stepped on by your rhinoceros last year!"

Top Ten lines Mulder can throw at Scully in Arcadia
or Top Ten lines we won’t be hearing from Mulder in Arcadia
(by Jolene and razz)
10. "Woman, bring me a sandwich."
9. "Honey, you don’t mind if I stay out all night with my new drinking buddies, do you?"
8. "Boy, this house is a mess. Shall I spend the evening dusting, vacuuming, and washing the floors, dearest?"
7. "You know, Scully, this case is the furthest from being an X-File that I’ve ever seen!"
6. "Oh, look at that, Scully -- his and her bathrobes! How cute! Kersh must’ve picked them out."
5. "Shall I pick up some milk on my way home from work, snookums?"
4. "I should dress like a yuppie more often. I’m sure it’ll impress Kersh."
3. "You know, I could get used to sleeping in a real bed."
2. "I can’t believe I thought what I had before was a real life. This suburbia, with the overly sincere neighbours, perfectly cute house, and suspiciously caring community is the life. I’m going to quit the FBI and become a regular house-husband."
1. "Wouldn’t Mom and Dad (whoever he is) be proud of me for finally settling down?"

Top Ten lines we won’t be hearing from Scully in Arcadia
aka -- Top Ten responses to Mulder’s lines
(by razz)
10. "Sure, honey, I’ll get you anything you want."
9. "No, I don’t mind, pookie, stay out all night. And if you happen to find a girl while you’re out, try to make sure she’s having a good time."
8. "Oh, that’s okay, honeybuns, I was planning on doing all that cleaning before I made dinner."
7. "Well, you know, I’m not so sure. I think you’re wrong, Mulder."
6. "No, I did. And I got Spender to come with me while I picked them out."
5. "Oh, I know how you love picking up the milk, sweetums, but I thought we’d go out to the worst local greasy spoon or fast-food joint tonight so you don’t have to bother."
4. "Impressing Kersh? Heck, I’m turned on."
3. "You know, beds are overrated. I love the couch. You get good night viewing on the TV. I understand your fixation, now, Mulder."
2. "I know what you mean. I love this neighbourhood, too. I think I really will quit my job and become a spokesperson for the Ab-roller. I’ve noticed a severe shortage of good commercials, lately."
1. "Oh, they sure would. I am, too. Now if I could only figure out this electric can opener works, I’d be fine."

Top Ten Lines that my Mind WILL Hear in Arcadia
(by Jolene)
10. "Mulder those are MY half of the covers, give them back."
9. "WOW, you are a good massuse, do you think you could apply some BenGay."
8. "I told you to have dinner the..... oh never mind, you look great in that lingere Scully!"
7. "Scully, do we have to watch the discovery channel?" "Mulder, it's educational." "I think think of much better ways to educate myself...."
6. "Mulder! What did we say about the toilet seat being up???"
5. "Mulder! I told you to knock before you come in the bathroom!"
4. "Scully.... could you remove your head from my arm? It's Falling asleep."
3. "My oh My." "Right back at you red." (they have to put it somewhere)
2. "You dye your hair Scully?!?!?!?!" ( I know that was sick)
1. "The truth is in me, Mulder, OH GOD!! the truth is in me!!"

Top Ten Things Scully Would Do To Live on the Edge
(by razz)
10. Call Skinner anything but “Sir”
9. Wear shorts.
8. Write graffiti on the bathroom wall, “For a good time, call the Foxy bloke at -------” (Whatever Mulder’s number is)
7. Go for a day without wearing lipstick.
6. Take a vacation.
5. Not point out a scientific/rational explanation for a strange occurrence.
4. Call in sick, while really going to the beach and suntanning-without any sunscreen on.
3. Go to a UFO convention. (sans Mulder, of course)
2. Go out club-hopping and get really tipsy.
And the number one is,.... [Insert David Letterman drum roll]
1. Beat DBD up to a pulp.

Scully's Top Ten Pick-Up Lines
(collected by Adrienne)
10. You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse.
9. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
8. It's not the size of the wave, but the inverse coefficient as demonstrated as the function of a variation on a curve.
7. Is that a general exposition on the theory of nonlinear automata in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
6. Ever thought of donating your body to science?
5. Why don’t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?
4. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
3. According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now.
2. I bet you want to be my next lucky stiff.
1. By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me.

Top Ten Pick-Up Lines Suitable to Use on Mulder
(by Natalie)
10. Let's go pick out china patterns.
9. Would you like some iced tea?
8. Maybe we can prove Clyde Bruckman wrong!
7. Mulder, you're not a loser.
6. A man can't live by sunflower seeds alone.
5. Need a shave?
4. I've always dreamed about spending a weekend in Roswell.
3. Hey, wanna come look at my video collection?
2. Mulder, what are you wearing?
1. You're a damn good looking man!

Other Characters
Top Ten Children of CSM
(by Natalie)
10. Marlyn Manson
9. Jerry Springer
8. Puck - (from the Real World)
7. O.J. Simpson
6. Hannibal Lecter - (Silence of the Lambs)
5. Bill Clinton - (He gets around as much as CSM, he has to be his pride and joy.)
4. Newman - (Seinfield)
3. Phoebe Green
2. Tea Leoni - (Sorry, had to say it.)
1. Diana Fowley - (the demon seed)

Top Ten Summer Jobs CSM Might Have Had as a Youngster
(by razz)
10. What childhood?!
9. Chief financial officer of the local government’s campaign.
8. Newspaper route (but just what kind of media was he *really* spreading?)
7. Tobacco farm worker.
6. McDonald’s cook (you should’ve tried his special sauce!)
5. Lemonade stand owner (but that was just a front for his aforementioned “media” distribution)
4. Intern at the FBI.
3. Ran his own summer camp, for “special needs” kids (children of high-ranking people - highly classified stuff, so I can’t really go into more detail).
2. Tutor in summer school. Class he taught: “How to Get Ahead in Life: If at First You Don’t Succeed, Screw ’em and Do it Your Own Way!”
1b. Custodian at a Sperm Bank (think about it)(added by razz)
And the #1 job CSM might have had as a youngster,....
1. President of the NRA’s junior branch.

Top Ten Gifts Spender Would Give Himself
(since nobody else will give him anything)
aka Spender’s Wish List

(by razz)
10. The alien autopsy video. (He needs to keep up with the Mulders somehow, and Daddy didn’t get it for him last year.)
9. An invitation to the Scully Christmas dinner. (He and Bill, Jr. would hit it off so well).
8. A better job. (Who needs to chase aliens all day?)
7. A different enemy. (It is the season of Christmas and family time, and those brothers Jeffy and Foxy should just let bygones be bygones.)
6. Some good informants. (He never gets any good info from mysterious sources other than his Dad, and he isn’t so mysterious anymore.) :(
5. A gift subscription to the Skeptical Inquirer.
4. The whole set of those yellow “Self-Esteem for Dummies” books.
3. Self-defence lessons. Lots of them.
2. A date with the Una-blonder. (“She’s hot!”)
1. A life.

Top Ten Generic CSM Christmas Gifts
(when he’s in the generous mood)
(by razz)
10. A year’s supply of Morley’s. (Really a month for him, but for anyone else, it’d last a year.)
9. The right to life. (How many people has he almost killed but didn’t?)
8. Copies of his personally autographed book that he published himself.
7. Ashtrays with ventilators in them. (For all those Skinners out there with “No Smoking” signs.)
6. Copies of the vaccine, but only to his closest acquaintances.
5. An all-expenses paid trip to Tunisia.
4. Keys to Mulder’s office and apartment.
3. Bugs/wire tapping equipment.
2. Information.
1. Access.

Top Ten annoying personal habits of Spender
(by razz)
10. Cracking his knuckles when in an especially nervous mood. (His toe knuckles, using his hands).
9. Flexing his muscles for five minutes every morning in front of the mirror. And while talking to Mulder on the phone.
8. Adding an appendix of Dr. Seuss quotations to every FBI report he files.
7. Sneaking in late at night to other agents’ offices and adding Dr. Seuss quotations to their reports.
6. On his way to work, making sure he goes up at least one downward escalator. It give him such a thrill to undermine authority in this powerful way.
5. Picking his earwax, and categorizing it in his extensive collection by date, amount, and activity at time of excision.
4. Stalking Krycek, because he really wants to be like him. Or at least find out where he gets his cool clothes.
3. Going around the FBI building, and asking people for spare fingernail clippings.
2. When no one’s looking, changing all the screensavers of fellow agents’ computers to the marquis with “Spender is the best!!!” as the text. It’s such a power trip.
1. Randomly calling strangers on the phone, giving them Mulder’s number, and asking them to harass Mulder with bogus UFO sitings.

Top Ten things Charles has been up to recently
(by razz)
(Please note: this refers to Charles Scully, Dana’s brother and not the Prince)
10. Working full time on the constantly-being-updated database of CSM’s children. (Is he helping in the family business?)
9. Taking the vacation his sister can never seem to get.
8. Courting DBD. Should I mention that he and Scully are not on friendly terms now?
7. Being an artist in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, the FBI isn’t quite into his kind of art (caricatures of highly sensitive/potentially explosive crime scenes), so he doesn’t make a very good living at it. It was he who put the “starving” in “starving artist”.
6. Jerry Springer’s right-hand man.
5. Diligently researching for his expose on what American presidents really do behind closed doors. Heck, even open ones! (And you thought ole Billy was a wild one!)
4. Walking around big cities, as one of those people who periodically points up at the sky (at nothing), and observes to see how many others look to see what he’s looking at.
3. Acting as an extra in obscure, unheard-of sci-fi TV shows.
2. Deck hand on the Carnival Cruise Lines. Since he dropped out of naval school, his family hasn’t been too happy with him.
1. Door-to-door trained fruit-fly salesman in Mongolia (and you don’t know how hard those things are to train!). Unfortunately, these special Drosophila haven’t quite caught on, yet, so he’s been unable to afford an airplane ticket back home.

General X-Files Topics
Top Ten X-Files Spinoffs for the Future
(by Erika)
10. The X-Files, The Next Generation: It is the year 2093. Mulder & Scully's great-grandchildren continue the search for the Truth. Somehow, CSM is still alive.
9. The "I Love Scully" show. Mulder and Scully are married & no longer working for the FBI. Mulder has aquired a small variety show and a latino accent. Scully is constantly whining that Mulder "won't let her be in his show".
8. The Spender Files. Special Agent Jeffery Spender starts his own branch of the X-Files. The show is a flop and is cancelled after its first episode.
7. The Fowley Files. Inspired by a famous web-page known as the AFML, Chris Carter creates a new Southpark-like comedy devoted to the Many Deaths of Diana Fowley.
6. The Spender and Fowley Files: God no!!! The horror!!!!!!!
5. The X-Files, Deep Space Nine. It is the year 2193, and the FBI now has an X-files intergalactic branch, located on a space station in deep space. CSM is STILL alive.
4. "Sein-Files" - David and Gillian leave the X-files and Fox picks... Jerry Seinfeld?!?!... as David's replacement. Alongside him, as Scully's replacement, is Elaine. Their first case involves the return of the soup-nazi.
3. The X-Files Movie Series: Fight the Future was just the beginning! Gillian and David are now in their late 60s, and Fox just keeps pumpin' out the movies! Mulder has a really bad hairpiece and Scully's facelift is too tight. They continue the search for the truth, whilst looking for their teeth.
2. The X-files mysteries on A&E. Hosted by Peter Graves.
1. And the #1 Future Spinoff of the X-Files is: The X-Files Star Trek Crossover! Mulder & Scully are miraculously transported into the future, when they meet up with Captain Kirk and crew. It is revealed that Uhura is really Samantha.

Other Topics
Top Eight ways to tell when your so-called x-phile friend is out of it...
Ok, how many of you guys know someone who says they watch the x-files, but you think they're really out of it? Well, here's the test, how to tell when your so-called x-phile friend is out of it...
1. you're talking on and on about gillian and/or david and they go "who's gillian/david?"
2. just yesterday they told you "hey, did you know the guy who plays what's-his-name on the x-files is having a kid?"
3. they tell you they really love the x-files and when you ask them if they saw it last week they say "i'm not THAT obsessed"
4. they see the teacup pics and they say "eeww!! who'd wanna look at that?"
5. they see the teacup pics and they say "that's a really nice design there...where can i find that tea set?"
6. they see the teacup pics and they say "is that mulder or scully?"
7. they wonder why you watch those special 30 seconds of "one son" over and over and over......
8. they ask you why you watch the golden globe awards while your watching it, then they go upstairs and 5 minutes later wonder why you're screaming "nooo!!!! you suck @#$% you #$%@#ing jimmy smitts!!!!!!!"

Top Ten Reasons why Joan Rivers is such a $#&!
(by razz)
10. The surgeons who’ve performed her many face-lifts accidentally cut a little too far, affecting the !#$%-centred part of her brain.
9. She has nothing better to do with her time.
8. She only does it to impress all her fans (she, herself, and well, that thing she sees in the mirror every morning).
7. She never quite got over her acting job rejections in life, and now is taking it out on any poor, innocent and extremely talented actors who happen to be successful.
6. It was her bad attempt at getting noticed by station executives to replace Lou Snyder and the Late Late Show, after David Letterman. (And obviously it’s failed).
5. In some horrible turn of events, a brain transplant operation resulted in Rivers getting a really hungry T-Rex’s brain, and Mother Teresa’s brain instead went to an especially cute (but unsuspecting) Koala in Australia.
4. Putting down other people somehow makes her seem that much better to herself.
3. Since she wasn’t able to have a doctor’s-assisted suicide, she decided to get enough other people riled up in order to have a back-up plan. Many other people would be plenty happy to help out a fellow human being such as her in this way.
2. She’s just practising for her guest cameo as DBD’s mother in an upcoming XF episode. (The one in which DBD dies for real!)
1. This was the only way people would actually take any notice of her.

Top Ten Reasons why Bill Gates (aka “The Well Paid Man”) would be a fantastic addition to the Syndicate
(by razz)
10. The money must come from somewhere to afford those huge Jiffy Pop bee hives all over the world.
9. He will add youth and vitality to the aging group. Especially since they are possibly minus a member with the “death” of WMM.
8. Viruses can be spread by computers, too.
7. The Syndicate is definitely incompatible with other ways of doing things.
6. He’s getting to know a lot more about how the government works right now. Think of it as an apprenticeship.
5. He would be the Syndicate version of TLG. (I didn’t say these had to be good reasons for everybody...)
4. He already dominates (controls?) the computer industry all over the world. The next logical step is to control governments and everything else.
3. His antitrust lawsuits would fit right in with the whole mindset of the group.
2. He wouldn’t be having any antitrust lawsuits.
1. With his youthfulness and money, he will surely lure DBD away from Mulder.

Top Ten Reasons why socks are cool in the X-Files
(by razz)
10. They kept Scully warm(er) in Antarctica.
9. When used properly, they could be very effective as a Fowley-silencer. Further research will show their effectiveness as a Spender-silencer.
8. TLG could amuse themselves with hand puppets, while waiting to “discover” new news from Morris Fletcher.
7. If Scully happens to misplace her latex, she could slap on one of these. (The fit might not be exact, but who cares?)
6. They may help keep DD from going through the same difficulties Tom Cruise went through in The Firm. (“Huge” feet problems from running in uncomfortable shoes).
5. If we happen to see a scene labelled as Scully or Mulder’s bedroom, with the camera slowly panning from two pairs of socks haphazardly thrown on the floor, it might cause a little viewer excitement. (Nylons can be substituted for socks).
4. Socks keep your feet toasty warm. And in serving such an important function, they have allowed our dynamic duo’s worries about cold feet when going into new situations to greatly dissipate.
3. Along with Langly’s glasses, funky socks could become another signature item of TLG.
2. Everybody wears them, from Mulder to Cancer Man to the Syndicate members. They would make a great new tracking/bug device.
1. They could become the new signal for Mulder’s next informant. Socks in the window.

Now, having read all that, you will surely want to go back to the top of the page and read them all over again.
Or maybe you're done with the other fluffy X-Files stuff, and want to get back to some serious
Take your pick. Ice-pick, that is. ;)

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